Author: SniperJess

Still the exception….

Some days I look around and just see sadness. Families and marriages are falling apart, health is temporary, people disappoint you and loved ones die. As I bring another little soul into this world it scares me to pieces that things won’t always go the way I hope, and all I’m doing is adding another piece to the complicated puzzle.

I know life’s never gonna be perfect, but during times when things are rough I remember my husband’s pre wedding words. “We are the exception”. He said these in response to my fears about having another failed marriage and plowing through trust issues. We are not immune from heartache or disappointment or failure. But, we are the exception because we will not let this life’s inevitable darkness break us. Not as individuals, or as a couple, or as parents.

My family is the exception. This is my choice. It’s a great place to be in as we get ready for Lane to arrive. 🙂

This zen post was brought to you by taco night, my amazing bath tub, and the number 32. (only “8” weeks left!!)

Lane’s Shower!

Somehow I am already 31 weeks! Where has the time gone?? The holidays will be here soon and I am so ready to enjoy some great food, family, and finish getting ready for little Lane’s arrival. Of course I’m already prepared….just need a few last minute things. We are already pretty stocked, thanks to an awesome baby shower thrown by my bff Heather this weekend. It was co-ed and ended with chili and football. I need to get some final shots of the nursery posted. I went with an owl theme and it’s turning out SO cute. I’ve been feeling really, really great lately and I can’t wait to meet Lane! I hate that we didn’t get many pictures of all the guests, but here’s a few highlights from the shower!

Baby Lane..’aka’ Mommy’s Zoloft.

Ok, so I’m not taking Zoloft. But this baby, and this life, make me feel like I am. Nothing better than feeling like you are flying high on Zoloft without actually being medicated, huh? This weekend has helped bring a feeling of zen over me. When these waves come, I just want to soak them in like a sponge and save them in a reserve tank to use when I have a shitty day. Today, my zen overflows. The weekend started with a sonogram of Benjamin Lane. How a baby can be cute in black and white is beyond me, but his little yawns and his little fingers and toes were just. perfection. I know he’s in there, and he’s growing, and we’re planning and painting and I feel him move…but I feel in love on that table Friday. Also, the weather this weekend is ridiculous. It makes SUCH a difference with my mood. We had lunch on a patio in Midtown yesterday and enjoyed the sunshine and walked to get yogurt and relaxed with friends and football. Today I smell freshly cut grass from my handsome husband outside cutting the yard, Adele’s on the itunes, and I’m even enjoying this paper I’m writing for grad school. Mostly because I can see the end and I know I’ll be finished with these last two classes in no time. So. Proud. Of. That.

My life is in no way perfect. I’m not delusional enough to think that. We’re going to have a huge few years ahead of us. Baby Lane coming, one more final big move (hopefully the last), possible change in career location (hopefully the last), finances/debt to continue to fix, friendships to fix, etc. But what we’re doing now, with this amazing 9 year old of ours, this partnership that’s health leaves me in awe, this baby we’ve made and this life we’re creating…this is it. Contentment is bliss…finally. 🙂

Random

– we ordered a rental doppler to listen to little BLT’s heartbeat. Sweet lil sound made my night.
– officially back in the swing of work. never enough time in a day. always tired. always still a ton left to do. it’ll balance out soon.
– crazy, busy work weekend ahead of me. huge projects for grad school due (procrastination sucks) and lots of PTO and regular school work to do for bbrook. the boys are enjoying six flags while i stay home and work. i’m glad they’re going out and having fun, and i’ll be glad once i feel accomplished after all my work is done.
– we picked a name…i think. not sharing it yet though, and i’m not sure why. feels fun to have our little secret for our boy. 🙂
– i can no longer try to fight it mentally……i’m getting sick. with a head cold that’s starting off with wicked headaches and congestion. tonight’s home remedy for said cold is: dark chocolate brownies, hot tea, and falcons. surely that will help.

It’s a Boy!!!

We had our 3D ultrasound Saturday and I could tell as soon as the picture showed up on the screen that we had ourselves a little boy! The pictures are adorable and he’s just a tiny, bashful little thing. He hid his face from us a lot but also did a LOT of dancing. He gets that honest from a family of people who love dancing and music. Still no names picked out yet, but I’m starting to daydream of his nursery and mostly just our life together with a house full of boys! I feel like I am able to picture him here and create a bond now that I know the gender. Boys LOVE their mamas, always, and I can see myself down the road with tall, handsome, strapping men to call my sons and it makes me smile so big!

In other news, I’m trucking along at 17 1/2 weeks. I’m feeling better physically and really starting to love this pregnancy. I went through such a physical and emotional transition for the first trimester, but I feel like everything is right with the world now. Also, school starts tomorrow! Last week was preplanning and I had No idea just how exhausting going back to work was going to be. I know this summer made me lazy, but getting used to working all week is going to be an adjustment. Chase is excited though and I know as soon as we get back into our routine the holidays will be here and we will be bringing our little boy home!

First thing on the agenda is to pick a name! Ben loves Liam, and I like it a lot. 😉 Also on the list are Bradley, Ian, Cameron, Harper……the list really goes on and on. The only thing we can really agree on is that we would like his middle name to be Benjamin. Here are a few picture of Baby T!

16 Weeks

Some days I feel like I am so far along, and things are progressing normally…other days I feel like time is standing still. Most of that comes from the fact that I’m not a very patient person. Over all I am feeling better though. Physically I am able to function and leave the house and get dress daily so that’s an improvement. Emotionally I’ve been a bit of a roller coaster these past few days. It’s an odd feeling being pregnant, again. Even though I’ve had Chase for 9 years now, being pregnant brings a feeling that my body is no longer mine. It’s hard to explain. I have a checkup this Friday and I never really know what to expect with this doctor. I always go in expecting to check on things with the baby, but end up just checking on things with me instead. That makes sense though. I am the incubator after all. 🙂 I am hoping to hear that things are looking great at the doctor and really hope we can find out the gender next weekend. In the meantime, a few short term goals: go to bed (it’s currently 5am and I’ve been up since 3am), enjoy the upcoming weekend (my birthday!) with my amazing family and friends, and STOP being so hard on myself. I’m really noticing that I am harder on myself than anyone has ever been, than is even remotely necessary. Hopefully I can get some sleep…I’ve got a classroom to work in today. School starts in less than two weeks!

Bath time blog

One of favorite places to be lately is in the tub. It’s quiet, relaxing, and randomly where I feel the most connected to baby T. Since my last rant about pregnancy things have gotten a lot better. Its as if I woke up my second trimester and immediately felt better. I also feel pregnant, finally, and not just fat and boring. I don’t feel movement yet, but it feels like there’s a “presence” in there that makes me calm and makes me smile.

Everything else in my life is leveled out at the moment as well. Friendships, relationship, even my mother…it’s all very calm and normal right now. It’s refreshing.

Chase is bored with summer and so ready to go back to school. I may eat my words, but I’m looking forward to it as well. I could use the distraction and I have a feeling it’s going to be a good year. At least until December! We have an ultrasound scheduled in 2 weeks. Hopefully we will find out then if the girls level the playing field, or if I’m destined to be outnumbered by boys in this life. Exciting!!

The Perks of Pregnancy

13 Weeks and chuggin’ along. Rubbing my belly and watching it grow as I eat nutritious, healthy foods and exercise daily. Picturing this miracle grow inside me that represents the love my husband and I share and imagining how perfect precious he or she will look…..

*bursts bubble*

And then reality hits. I grab a cheese danish, plop down on the couch in my pjs I’ve been in for two days, and watch another depressing episode of daytime television. Better drink water with this snack…makes it easier to come up later when the inevitable daily puke in the kitchen sink session starts. I’m sick daily. Yes, daily. Just barely out of my first trimester and I’m hoping it will ease up soon. Food will seem appealing again and walking upstairs to the computer doesn’t sound like a trek through the Sahara. Don’t even get me started with this weather in Ga. I’m ready to move to Main. Sounds magical, huh?

I don’t want to be cynical or a wimp or complain ALL the time. I think of women who try for years and year to get pregnant and would gladly take my symptoms with a smile on their face. The fact is, I just don’t do pregnancy well. At least not so far. So many times I feel like this is my first one. Which brings odd feelings…because it’s not. It’s just so different to have a 9 year old and think about a 9 day old an not feel overwhelmed. I was 19 when I got pregnant with Chase. When I picture myself at that age, or look at actual pictures of me in a hospital bed having a baby, I feel so, so sad for that kid who just had a kid. I had no idea what I was getting in to. Maybe that’s what makes this one different as well. I am no longer a naive little girl and I know exactly the strength it takes to not only carry and birth a baby, but to raise it without completely screwing up (verdict is still out on that one). It’s so….big. As I get older I look at my parents not just as parents but as adults and I understand more and more why I am the person I am now. I am a complete reflection of the people who raised me and the environment I was surrounded by. Knowing the sheer amount of influence you can have in another persons life without even trying is a huge amount of pressure. I’ve scathed by with a child who is polite, smart, listens, obeys, and loves deeply. How the hell I managed that…is beyond me. So what are the chances I can manage that luck again? It’s a lot. I spend a lot of my time lately worrying. It’s no news flash that I deal with anxiety, but being so out of control with this lil’ human in me has not helped. I worry about it daily. If it’s healthy and growing and getting what it needs from me. I worry about delivery; if I’ll end up having another c section and how the recovery will be this time. I worry about what in the world this body of mine is going to look like when I’m done incubating a toddler (my first was large, they say subsequent are even larger). I’m determined to breastfeed, so naturally I worry if I will be able to or even want to once the baby is here (I certainly didn’t feel the urge with my first). I worry how a baby will change my relationship with Chase; if he will be jealous or not as close to me. I worry about my relationship with Ben; how will he do as a dad to a newborn and how will it change things between the two of us. I didn’t have these worries with my first, because I simply didn’t know the difference. Now I know the facts: babies change everything. And I guess with my life being exactly where I want it….I’m worried about that inevitable change.

Here’s the possible upside of things. I’m pretty sure all this anxiety and worry is increased because of two things: I’m not working, and I’m not drinking. I’m out for the summer, which leaves long days of…well..not a whole lot. June was packed with vacation and bdays and beach trips, so that was nice. But July has been long, hot days. All of this free time lends itself to lots of free time for my brain. In addition, not drinking has been disconcertingly more difficult than it should be. When I first got pregnant I commented to Ben that he sure had been drinking a lot lately. (Beer with dinner, drink with a night time movie, etc). He looked puzzled. He was drinking the same frequency we always did, I guess I just noticed more. I slowly realized that in addition to being sick all the time, being sober all the time makes me not a hell of a lot of fun. It’s harder to relax at the end of the day, or any time of day really. It’s also really hard to deal with some of the people in my life sober. Other choices and issues in my life seem to become much more clear and instead of stumbling down a crazy path, I walk tall down the correct one.

So there’s my Sunday afternoon thoughts. 🙂 Fun, huh? Even after all the bitching and whining though, if I allow myself to stop, take a death breath, and yes…run my hands across this little bump of mine, I do still get a peace that life is exactly where I want it to be. I remind myself to work on my faith, to know that everything is fine now and will be fine when this peanut is here. To let go of a little bit of control I so desperately cling to. To thank my patient, amazing husband for putting up with my ass daily, and to JUST.RELAX.

“Decide what to be…and go be it” – The Avett Brothers

TMI

There have been days so far when this pregnancy has made me feel euphoric. Just floating along with bundle of love and magic growing inside of me.

Then there’s day like today. When I can’t stop feeling nauseous, I can’t wake up, I can’t get motivated to even wear clothes. Honestly…it feels so good to just lay free of anything that I’ve been laying naked in bed the majority of the afternoon.

Told ya….TMI. Cheers 1st trimester. You kinda suck.