The Perks of Pregnancy

13 Weeks and chuggin’ along. Rubbing my belly and watching it grow as I eat nutritious, healthy foods and exercise daily. Picturing this miracle grow inside me that represents the love my husband and I share and imagining how perfect precious he or she will look…..

*bursts bubble*

And then reality hits. I grab a cheese danish, plop down on the couch in my pjs I’ve been in for two days, and watch another depressing episode of daytime television. Better drink water with this snack…makes it easier to come up later when the inevitable daily puke in the kitchen sink session starts. I’m sick daily. Yes, daily. Just barely out of my first trimester and I’m hoping it will ease up soon. Food will seem appealing again and walking upstairs to the computer doesn’t sound like a trek through the Sahara. Don’t even get me started with this weather in Ga. I’m ready to move to Main. Sounds magical, huh?

I don’t want to be cynical or a wimp or complain ALL the time. I think of women who try for years and year to get pregnant and would gladly take my symptoms with a smile on their face. The fact is, I just don’t do pregnancy well. At least not so far. So many times I feel like this is my first one. Which brings odd feelings…because it’s not. It’s just so different to have a 9 year old and think about a 9 day old an not feel overwhelmed. I was 19 when I got pregnant with Chase. When I picture myself at that age, or look at actual pictures of me in a hospital bed having a baby, I feel so, so sad for that kid who just had a kid. I had no idea what I was getting in to. Maybe that’s what makes this one different as well. I am no longer a naive little girl and I know exactly the strength it takes to not only carry and birth a baby, but to raise it without completely screwing up (verdict is still out on that one). It’s so….big. As I get older I look at my parents not just as parents but as adults and I understand more and more why I am the person I am now. I am a complete reflection of the people who raised me and the environment I was surrounded by. Knowing the sheer amount of influence you can have in another persons life without even trying is a huge amount of pressure. I’ve scathed by with a child who is polite, smart, listens, obeys, and loves deeply. How the hell I managed that…is beyond me. So what are the chances I can manage that luck again? It’s a lot. I spend a lot of my time lately worrying. It’s no news flash that I deal with anxiety, but being so out of control with this lil’ human in me has not helped. I worry about it daily. If it’s healthy and growing and getting what it needs from me. I worry about delivery; if I’ll end up having another c section and how the recovery will be this time. I worry about what in the world this body of mine is going to look like when I’m done incubating a toddler (my first was large, they say subsequent are even larger). I’m determined to breastfeed, so naturally I worry if I will be able to or even want to once the baby is here (I certainly didn’t feel the urge with my first). I worry how a baby will change my relationship with Chase; if he will be jealous or not as close to me. I worry about my relationship with Ben; how will he do as a dad to a newborn and how will it change things between the two of us. I didn’t have these worries with my first, because I simply didn’t know the difference. Now I know the facts: babies change everything. And I guess with my life being exactly where I want it….I’m worried about that inevitable change.

Here’s the possible upside of things. I’m pretty sure all this anxiety and worry is increased because of two things: I’m not working, and I’m not drinking. I’m out for the summer, which leaves long days of…well..not a whole lot. June was packed with vacation and bdays and beach trips, so that was nice. But July has been long, hot days. All of this free time lends itself to lots of free time for my brain. In addition, not drinking has been disconcertingly more difficult than it should be. When I first got pregnant I commented to Ben that he sure had been drinking a lot lately. (Beer with dinner, drink with a night time movie, etc). He looked puzzled. He was drinking the same frequency we always did, I guess I just noticed more. I slowly realized that in addition to being sick all the time, being sober all the time makes me not a hell of a lot of fun. It’s harder to relax at the end of the day, or any time of day really. It’s also really hard to deal with some of the people in my life sober. Other choices and issues in my life seem to become much more clear and instead of stumbling down a crazy path, I walk tall down the correct one.

So there’s my Sunday afternoon thoughts. 🙂 Fun, huh? Even after all the bitching and whining though, if I allow myself to stop, take a death breath, and yes…run my hands across this little bump of mine, I do still get a peace that life is exactly where I want it to be. I remind myself to work on my faith, to know that everything is fine now and will be fine when this peanut is here. To let go of a little bit of control I so desperately cling to. To thank my patient, amazing husband for putting up with my ass daily, and to JUST.RELAX.

“Decide what to be…and go be it” – The Avett Brothers

What’s now.

I was driving down the interstate to get a massage in the city this morning when I heard that familiar noise.  The same one that always gives my insides a little jolt when I hear it. No matter what I’m doing, it always makes me stop for a second and remember, and ache a bit, and smile.

To the left of me in the HOV lane there were two bikes. A guy on one, a woman on the other. It’s a beautiful almost Fall weekend and between the weather and the comforting sound that the bikes make I let myself for a moment pretend that the couple on the Harley’s was one I knew not too long ago (or so it seems…). A couple that was spending the weekend riding in the mountains or on their way to a bike show or heading up to Helen. A couple that had a dysfunctional balance in life and lived it to the fullest. They were loud and large and crazy and happy. I let them be that couple again, even if it was just for a minute and I soaked in every bit of peace it gave me. I promised myself to save some of that peace in a reserve tank for later use.

Had the daydream been real, and had that couple really been my parents…would I have appreciated it as much as I longed for it today? I got mad at myself once I realized the answer. Mad that I wait until my present becomes my past before I absorb it’s potential and appreciate what I have. I got disappointed that even if that daydream was today, I would still find frustrations with that couple and criticize the choices they made….and now here I am wishing that daydream was real so desperately. The couple on the Harley’s today helped me remember that I don’t want to wait until a year from now to appreciate what today gives me. To stop asking “what’s next?” and start focusing on what’s now.

What’s now is that we’re packing. Ben and Chase are up to 25 boxes (and I helped a tiny bit). Two weeks from today we’ll be in a house starting a new chapter. I’m so excited about it! What’s now is that I have a healthy, ever-growing relationship with a man who I love and respect. I have a beautiful son who has me in awe daily. What’s now is I have great friends, a best friend who at days is like oxygen to me, and family who will always be a work in progress. What’s now is I’m loved. I’m safe. I’m happy.  🙂

the best laid plans…

It’s funny to look back on my last post. It was not that long ago and since my “balance and peace” post I have been in quite a little rut. I haven’t been able to pinpoint that exact reason why I’ve been in said rut…it’s just been a long month. I do contribute a huge part of it to my 2+ hour a day commute. Despite my efforts I didn’t get a job closer to home, so we’re in the process of finding a home closer to the job. We did some house hunting this weekend and found a really awesome area and I’ve got my fingers crossed that something comes through for us. Apartment living is fun, but we’re ready for the next step. A house with a yard and neighbors and a bit more privacy is definitely a step in the right direction.

Besides the drive, I feel like I’ve been a bit overwhelmed with the weight of life. My immediate family is, I’ve decided, going to be forever a work in progress. It feels a bit like a roller coaster with them where I feel close and healthy one day, then it’s all fallen apart and drama and tears ensue by bedtime. I’m trying to just take a deep breath and do my best with them. I’m staying at my mom’s house a few nights a week and it seems to help a bit. At least until that next hill. Additionally, HBK’s dad is an idiot. And that’s putting it nicely. I try to maintain some semblance of peace with him, for my son’s sake…but the fact is he is a moron and a bigot. It’s a biweekly reminder of how much harder I want to work with Chase to be a loving, healthy, accepting person.

Thankfully, I do have a much needed 2 week break from grad school. Work is starting to level out and I have a great group of 4th graders this year. I miss last year a lot. I shared stories and laughed more and looked forward to different things when I walked into work. Life changes and babies and grade level changes have made this year much more “work” and much less “fun”. I do love having HBK with me and observing a bit of his life in elementary school. He has a “friend” he has become very fond of. His shyness about her is very sweet. 🙂 Oh..and did I mention the weather? I swear this Georgia heat/humidity has added to my crabbiness. This weekend we finally got a break from it and I even felt a breeze. I didn’t sweat the second I stepped outside and maybe it’s dumb, but I know it’s helped me “cool off” some of my grumpies.

And then there were the Snipers. We had such a wonderful summer of sleeping in and road trips and vacations and relaxation. Now…we have house hunting, moving, work, and a wedding on our plate. Yikes! Oh..and did I mention the new addition? We rescued a retriever/lab mix from the Atlanta Humane Society. Her name is Jan and she gets a post of her own soon. She is an adorably sweet self made princess and she’s a LOT of work. (I know…did we really need a dog? I whined and pouted though…so he gave in). There’s been lots of talk about moving and the wedding…but tiny baby steps towards each. This is what I love about our relationship. We talk. When I’m pissy and moody and snappy about things (yea, those who know me nod in agreement) I’m just not a fun person to be around. SB is patient…and we always talk about it. I’m figuring out where these moods stem from and taking care of them on sarcastic phrase at a time.

I’m cautious about the move…and cautious about the wedding plans…and these are both a very good thing. I’m SO not good at baby steps. I like big ol’ giant leaps a lot better. But I want this next year…this life of ours…to be built with thought and analyzed with a purpose, not just thrown together. I want peace and love and seren….ah shit…did Jan just piss in the floor again? BEN!!!!!

😉

untitled.

I feel like I am on a journey. a spiritual, growing up, peace finding journey. Actually…once I realized this, it became clear that I’ve been on this journey for almost a year now. At times it seems crazy to think about how much life has changed in the past few years, but when I look at the changes I smile. I used to constantly fight with myself between doing what’s right…and doing what feels right.  I almost always did the latter even though I always knew better.  And I almost always felt the blow of consequences that followed. I was frequently frustrated…always confused with what I wanted. Now, for the first time ever, what I want is what’s right. What feels right…and what IS right…are very seldom two different things for me now. I can’t begin to describe to you the peace that has brought to my life.

When Ben and I met we were both extremely unbalanced people.  We were so wrong for each other and the timing couldn’t have been worse. About a year later…everything lined up. We went on a date. Started over. I wasn’t sure we would ever earn each others trust, and let me tell you it was NOT easy. But we did. We found trust, and balance, and priorities. We became a family and most importantly I learned how to put other people first. I was such a selfish person…and I’m learning how to love selflessly. I’m learning how to love the way people need to be loved. The rewards and the contentment and the….peace that comes from it is nothing like I can ever explain.

I don’t know where all of this has come from. Maybe from the awesome weekend that is ending. The weekend I so needed to relax, recharge my batteries (as Ben puts it), and reflect. School has started back and I feel the stress starting to build back up.  I don’t, however, feel that “thing” I used to feel. I used to have this little…ball of energy. Negative, confused energy. It bounced back and forth from side and side and never allowed me to just stop. and be content. and feel peace. This journey of mine has helped that crazy energy go away. I’ve finally said “this is what I want…and I am going to do what’s right to get it”. at times it was damn near impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel…and the number of people who are no longer in my life or who are no where near where they used to be in my life is huge. but the people who have embraced the change..or have at least acknowledged the change and remained patient, i am so so thankful for. no…i can’t do this by myself. yes…i do need help. this is just the beginning ….stay tuned. 🙂