I feel like I am on a journey. a spiritual, growing up, peace finding journey. Actually…once I realized this, it became clear that I’ve been on this journey for almost a year now. At times it seems crazy to think about how much life has changed in the past few years, but when I look at the changes I smile. I used to constantly fight with myself between doing what’s right…and doing what feels right. I almost always did the latter even though I always knew better. And I almost always felt the blow of consequences that followed. I was frequently frustrated…always confused with what I wanted. Now, for the first time ever, what I want is what’s right. What feels right…and what IS right…are very seldom two different things for me now. I can’t begin to describe to you the peace that has brought to my life.
When Ben and I met we were both extremely unbalanced people. We were so wrong for each other and the timing couldn’t have been worse. About a year later…everything lined up. We went on a date. Started over. I wasn’t sure we would ever earn each others trust, and let me tell you it was NOT easy. But we did. We found trust, and balance, and priorities. We became a family and most importantly I learned how to put other people first. I was such a selfish person…and I’m learning how to love selflessly. I’m learning how to love the way people need to be loved. The rewards and the contentment and the….peace that comes from it is nothing like I can ever explain.
I don’t know where all of this has come from. Maybe from the awesome weekend that is ending. The weekend I so needed to relax, recharge my batteries (as Ben puts it), and reflect. School has started back and I feel the stress starting to build back up. I don’t, however, feel that “thing” I used to feel. I used to have this little…ball of energy. Negative, confused energy. It bounced back and forth from side and side and never allowed me to just stop. and be content. and feel peace. This journey of mine has helped that crazy energy go away. I’ve finally said “this is what I want…and I am going to do what’s right to get it”. at times it was damn near impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel…and the number of people who are no longer in my life or who are no where near where they used to be in my life is huge. but the people who have embraced the change..or have at least acknowledged the change and remained patient, i am so so thankful for. no…i can’t do this by myself. yes…i do need help. this is just the beginning ….stay tuned. 🙂