The easy part

Photo on 2012-02-25 at 08.42 #2
Morning "coffee"

No one ever said raising or taking care of a baby was easy. Well, I’m sure someone has said that, but at least no one I’ve ever talked to. However, over the past week or so things around the house have just kinda fallen into place. Lane is sleeping 5-7 hours each night. Jess and I are getting back into a routine of sorts, Chase is really taking on the role of a big brother with flying colors, and things are just good.

Certainly we have our days or nights when all we want to do is sleep or finish that load of laundry and Lane has other ideas of how we should be spending our time. Last night for example, he decided that it would be a good idea to stay up until midnight. It would have been one thing if he was up crying or fussing, but not our kid. He was just smiling and making faces and being a happy baby. It’s hard to get frustrated at a baby that just wants to look at you or pull on your shirt (kid’s got a grip) and smile. To keep him happy all we have to really do is make sure he’s fed when he’s hungry, has a new diaper when he’s wet, and get’s some sleep when he’s tired. There isn’t a whole lot of complication around that.

I don’t have the experience of raising a baby and it’s been nearly 10 years for Jess so this is all new to us. We’re figuring it out as we go along. Should we put him down or hold him until he sleeps? At 7.5 weeks what’s the “usual” thing for babies to be doing? Does his poop look normal? When did he last eat? Do you think he’s cold? All these things and more are constantly on our minds, but the more we interact with Lane the easier things become. Take this morning for example. I’m writing this post while feeding him. Two weeks ago that would not have even been a thought of a possibility. Now it is all second nature.

In a few years we’ll look back on mornings like this and remember how “easy” we had it. Then over time that too will become easy. I honestly don’t believe that raising a child is difficult. It’s only ever as hard as you make it. There will always be challenges like “did my son just eat sand?” or “did he forget to pack extra underwear for summer camp?” but we get through it.

Today is easy. My beautiful son is asleep in my arms while my amazing wife is peacefully sleeping in our cozy bed. The pets are fed and enjoying the quiet morning and the sun is breaking through the clouds. How much more could a man ask for on a Saturday morning?

And just like that…

Christmas is over! This time of year always seems to fly by so quickly. This has been the best holiday I’ve had in a few years…I had genuine holiday spirit! The house was crazy decorated, I shopped early, I listened to Christmas songs, and drove around looking for lights. Everyone was spoiled with presents and we got to spend some great time with family.

Speaking of family…I am SO proud of my side this year! I have silently proclaimed myself as the new matriarch of this family and hosted dinner/presents at our house this year. We had a delicious meal, talked nicely, opened gifts, and ate brownies. ALL without the first smart ass comment or sarcasm from ANYone.  Those who know us…know this was truly a Christmas miracle. I hope this is a sign of more peace and understanding to come with all of us.

Then, of course, there’s Santa! Chase woke up to everything he wanted and then some. I heard him wake up (way too early) and walk into the living room and whisper “Haaaaaaah!”. Then promptly walk his bare feet back to his room. A few minutes later he was in our bedroom talking about how Santa left a basketball goal and he ate his cookies and drank his milk.  I soaked up the excitement in his voice and listened to the quiet voice in my head that told me this may be our last “Santa” Christmas we get to have with him. It made me sad to know that my little boy is getting so big and will soon face the realities of the world, but I saved that for another day and ran into the living room to scope out the loot! Santa spoiled us, and SB did too.  He followed my Amazon wish list closely and I was thrilled.

Christmas lunch started at SB’s parent’s house.  As soon as we walked in we were greeted with hugs, presents, and the most delicious smell of a home cooked meal. Gah…I really do love these people! So different from my family, and appreciated more than I’m sure they know.  SB’s mom surprised me with a sewing machine and all the necessities that go along with it! I had forgotten I even threw one of those on my Azon wish list, but was so excited to see it! She’s going to be my sewing mentor, and I can’t wait to get a sewing table set up in the bonus room. Hand made presents galore this year!! Just as the last gift was opened, we got another surprise: a white Christmas!! The huge snowflakes were beautiful and the fact that it was Christmas just made it all the more magical. We ate amazing food (I mean really…Sandy showed out) while the snow fell and demanded took leftovers for dinner. Chase went to his dad’s to play in the snow, and SB and I came home to hibernate and rest. Deliciously beautiful holiday.

Sounds perfect huh? Well…not even 24 hours after Christmas and we grinched this place up. Tree: gone. Decorations: gone. Level 5 cleaning job in the house and we’re almost back to normal! As awesome as it was….it’s nice to have it all packed up and ready for next year also.

It’s been an awesome and interesting few weeks. I have a blog in the works about commitment and love and how in the real world – sometimes shit sucks. But until then…let’s revel in the Christmas hangover and the warm fuzzies that came along with this year’s holiday. OH! And Santa had another (large) surprise up his sleeve. He brought us a new addition. Our ‘graceful’ great dane. She deserves a post all on her own. It’ll be coming soon!

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SJ

the best laid plans…

It’s funny to look back on my last post. It was not that long ago and since my “balance and peace” post I have been in quite a little rut. I haven’t been able to pinpoint that exact reason why I’ve been in said rut…it’s just been a long month. I do contribute a huge part of it to my 2+ hour a day commute. Despite my efforts I didn’t get a job closer to home, so we’re in the process of finding a home closer to the job. We did some house hunting this weekend and found a really awesome area and I’ve got my fingers crossed that something comes through for us. Apartment living is fun, but we’re ready for the next step. A house with a yard and neighbors and a bit more privacy is definitely a step in the right direction.

Besides the drive, I feel like I’ve been a bit overwhelmed with the weight of life. My immediate family is, I’ve decided, going to be forever a work in progress. It feels a bit like a roller coaster with them where I feel close and healthy one day, then it’s all fallen apart and drama and tears ensue by bedtime. I’m trying to just take a deep breath and do my best with them. I’m staying at my mom’s house a few nights a week and it seems to help a bit. At least until that next hill. Additionally, HBK’s dad is an idiot. And that’s putting it nicely. I try to maintain some semblance of peace with him, for my son’s sake…but the fact is he is a moron and a bigot. It’s a biweekly reminder of how much harder I want to work with Chase to be a loving, healthy, accepting person.

Thankfully, I do have a much needed 2 week break from grad school. Work is starting to level out and I have a great group of 4th graders this year. I miss last year a lot. I shared stories and laughed more and looked forward to different things when I walked into work. Life changes and babies and grade level changes have made this year much more “work” and much less “fun”. I do love having HBK with me and observing a bit of his life in elementary school. He has a “friend” he has become very fond of. His shyness about her is very sweet. 🙂 Oh..and did I mention the weather? I swear this Georgia heat/humidity has added to my crabbiness. This weekend we finally got a break from it and I even felt a breeze. I didn’t sweat the second I stepped outside and maybe it’s dumb, but I know it’s helped me “cool off” some of my grumpies.

And then there were the Snipers. We had such a wonderful summer of sleeping in and road trips and vacations and relaxation. Now…we have house hunting, moving, work, and a wedding on our plate. Yikes! Oh..and did I mention the new addition? We rescued a retriever/lab mix from the Atlanta Humane Society. Her name is Jan and she gets a post of her own soon. She is an adorably sweet self made princess and she’s a LOT of work. (I know…did we really need a dog? I whined and pouted though…so he gave in). There’s been lots of talk about moving and the wedding…but tiny baby steps towards each. This is what I love about our relationship. We talk. When I’m pissy and moody and snappy about things (yea, those who know me nod in agreement) I’m just not a fun person to be around. SB is patient…and we always talk about it. I’m figuring out where these moods stem from and taking care of them on sarcastic phrase at a time.

I’m cautious about the move…and cautious about the wedding plans…and these are both a very good thing. I’m SO not good at baby steps. I like big ol’ giant leaps a lot better. But I want this next year…this life of ours…to be built with thought and analyzed with a purpose, not just thrown together. I want peace and love and seren….ah shit…did Jan just piss in the floor again? BEN!!!!!

😉

untitled.

I feel like I am on a journey. a spiritual, growing up, peace finding journey. Actually…once I realized this, it became clear that I’ve been on this journey for almost a year now. At times it seems crazy to think about how much life has changed in the past few years, but when I look at the changes I smile. I used to constantly fight with myself between doing what’s right…and doing what feels right.  I almost always did the latter even though I always knew better.  And I almost always felt the blow of consequences that followed. I was frequently frustrated…always confused with what I wanted. Now, for the first time ever, what I want is what’s right. What feels right…and what IS right…are very seldom two different things for me now. I can’t begin to describe to you the peace that has brought to my life.

When Ben and I met we were both extremely unbalanced people.  We were so wrong for each other and the timing couldn’t have been worse. About a year later…everything lined up. We went on a date. Started over. I wasn’t sure we would ever earn each others trust, and let me tell you it was NOT easy. But we did. We found trust, and balance, and priorities. We became a family and most importantly I learned how to put other people first. I was such a selfish person…and I’m learning how to love selflessly. I’m learning how to love the way people need to be loved. The rewards and the contentment and the….peace that comes from it is nothing like I can ever explain.

I don’t know where all of this has come from. Maybe from the awesome weekend that is ending. The weekend I so needed to relax, recharge my batteries (as Ben puts it), and reflect. School has started back and I feel the stress starting to build back up.  I don’t, however, feel that “thing” I used to feel. I used to have this little…ball of energy. Negative, confused energy. It bounced back and forth from side and side and never allowed me to just stop. and be content. and feel peace. This journey of mine has helped that crazy energy go away. I’ve finally said “this is what I want…and I am going to do what’s right to get it”. at times it was damn near impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel…and the number of people who are no longer in my life or who are no where near where they used to be in my life is huge. but the people who have embraced the change..or have at least acknowledged the change and remained patient, i am so so thankful for. no…i can’t do this by myself. yes…i do need help. this is just the beginning ….stay tuned. 🙂