What’s now.

I was driving down the interstate to get a massage in the city this morning when I heard that familiar noise.  The same one that always gives my insides a little jolt when I hear it. No matter what I’m doing, it always makes me stop for a second and remember, and ache a bit, and smile.

To the left of me in the HOV lane there were two bikes. A guy on one, a woman on the other. It’s a beautiful almost Fall weekend and between the weather and the comforting sound that the bikes make I let myself for a moment pretend that the couple on the Harley’s was one I knew not too long ago (or so it seems…). A couple that was spending the weekend riding in the mountains or on their way to a bike show or heading up to Helen. A couple that had a dysfunctional balance in life and lived it to the fullest. They were loud and large and crazy and happy. I let them be that couple again, even if it was just for a minute and I soaked in every bit of peace it gave me. I promised myself to save some of that peace in a reserve tank for later use.

Had the daydream been real, and had that couple really been my parents…would I have appreciated it as much as I longed for it today? I got mad at myself once I realized the answer. Mad that I wait until my present becomes my past before I absorb it’s potential and appreciate what I have. I got disappointed that even if that daydream was today, I would still find frustrations with that couple and criticize the choices they made….and now here I am wishing that daydream was real so desperately. The couple on the Harley’s today helped me remember that I don’t want to wait until a year from now to appreciate what today gives me. To stop asking “what’s next?” and start focusing on what’s now.

What’s now is that we’re packing. Ben and Chase are up to 25 boxes (and I helped a tiny bit). Two weeks from today we’ll be in a house starting a new chapter. I’m so excited about it! What’s now is that I have a healthy, ever-growing relationship with a man who I love and respect. I have a beautiful son who has me in awe daily. What’s now is I have great friends, a best friend who at days is like oxygen to me, and family who will always be a work in progress. What’s now is I’m loved. I’m safe. I’m happy.  🙂

the best laid plans…

It’s funny to look back on my last post. It was not that long ago and since my “balance and peace” post I have been in quite a little rut. I haven’t been able to pinpoint that exact reason why I’ve been in said rut…it’s just been a long month. I do contribute a huge part of it to my 2+ hour a day commute. Despite my efforts I didn’t get a job closer to home, so we’re in the process of finding a home closer to the job. We did some house hunting this weekend and found a really awesome area and I’ve got my fingers crossed that something comes through for us. Apartment living is fun, but we’re ready for the next step. A house with a yard and neighbors and a bit more privacy is definitely a step in the right direction.

Besides the drive, I feel like I’ve been a bit overwhelmed with the weight of life. My immediate family is, I’ve decided, going to be forever a work in progress. It feels a bit like a roller coaster with them where I feel close and healthy one day, then it’s all fallen apart and drama and tears ensue by bedtime. I’m trying to just take a deep breath and do my best with them. I’m staying at my mom’s house a few nights a week and it seems to help a bit. At least until that next hill. Additionally, HBK’s dad is an idiot. And that’s putting it nicely. I try to maintain some semblance of peace with him, for my son’s sake…but the fact is he is a moron and a bigot. It’s a biweekly reminder of how much harder I want to work with Chase to be a loving, healthy, accepting person.

Thankfully, I do have a much needed 2 week break from grad school. Work is starting to level out and I have a great group of 4th graders this year. I miss last year a lot. I shared stories and laughed more and looked forward to different things when I walked into work. Life changes and babies and grade level changes have made this year much more “work” and much less “fun”. I do love having HBK with me and observing a bit of his life in elementary school. He has a “friend” he has become very fond of. His shyness about her is very sweet. 🙂 Oh..and did I mention the weather? I swear this Georgia heat/humidity has added to my crabbiness. This weekend we finally got a break from it and I even felt a breeze. I didn’t sweat the second I stepped outside and maybe it’s dumb, but I know it’s helped me “cool off” some of my grumpies.

And then there were the Snipers. We had such a wonderful summer of sleeping in and road trips and vacations and relaxation. Now…we have house hunting, moving, work, and a wedding on our plate. Yikes! Oh..and did I mention the new addition? We rescued a retriever/lab mix from the Atlanta Humane Society. Her name is Jan and she gets a post of her own soon. She is an adorably sweet self made princess and she’s a LOT of work. (I know…did we really need a dog? I whined and pouted though…so he gave in). There’s been lots of talk about moving and the wedding…but tiny baby steps towards each. This is what I love about our relationship. We talk. When I’m pissy and moody and snappy about things (yea, those who know me nod in agreement) I’m just not a fun person to be around. SB is patient…and we always talk about it. I’m figuring out where these moods stem from and taking care of them on sarcastic phrase at a time.

I’m cautious about the move…and cautious about the wedding plans…and these are both a very good thing. I’m SO not good at baby steps. I like big ol’ giant leaps a lot better. But I want this next year…this life of ours…to be built with thought and analyzed with a purpose, not just thrown together. I want peace and love and seren….ah shit…did Jan just piss in the floor again? BEN!!!!!

😉

And so it begins…

What a day! It started off earlier than I’ve been up since Christmas break started. Tea, coffee, oatmeal with fruit..we were off! I am too tired to go through the details, but we got SO much done. We packed up my living room, sold my living furniture, and got Chase his own room up here in Dwood. It’s temporary until the middle of Jan., (hiring a Home removal company and moving to a bigger apartment here at 2Blocks with more room…phew!) but it gives him his own space and a place to keep his things and I love that. He really seems happy up here and I am so so thankful for that. Oh…did I mention we de-Christmas’d TWO apartments today? Yeah..trees, outdoor lights, decor…all of it. Packed up and ready for storage. I have so much to blog about…our Stone Mtn. trip, our official move to Dunwoody, and Christmas of course! We all got so many awesome things from Santa and each other that I can’t wait to brag about. I’m hoping for a calm, relaxing few days. I have some things on my to do list in anticipation of the move, but other than that I want to play games with Chase, watch movies with Ben, and enjoy the rest of my break before heading back to work. A great way to start that is to plan a nice, calm week eating in. Here’s what on the menu. 🙂

Sunday
Spaghetti and Meatballs with Bacon Marinara (yes…bacon. everything’s better with it!)

Monday
Broiled chicken with green beans and rice

Tuesday
Fish Tacos. Muy delicioso.

Wednesday
Brunswick Stew

Thursday
New Year’s Eve dinner in the city. 🙂

Friday
Our first attempt! Roasted chicken, collards, black eyed peas, cornbread. stfu!

Now…off to enjoy a hot bath with my new products from Lush!

I mean… for sersiiusnly?

Yeah. for. seriously! That’s how serious it is. So what is on my mind? Well for starters a lot of things. But I’ll get started with this. I noticed the other day that I was on the elevatore and there was a gaggle of ladies all bundles up. They were all in there dark grey or black over coats shivering or what ever t is that people do and I was mearly standing there in my short sleve or long sleve t-shirt. what caught my eye was the fact that here were several people acting as if it were the plague of God and some sort of absence of heat encroaching upon their existence…and here I was just chillin’ in my skivies. Well that was just funny and/or odd to me. It’s happened a few times, but there was that one time that really stood out to me.

You know what sucks? When you ar about to write something down and you kinda fall asleep. Not the kind of sleep you get if you’ve had mor ethan enough to drink, but the kind of sleep you get if you had just run a amarathon or faught Kimbo Slice in the octagon for 3 rounds. That’s what I’m talking wabout. Wait…what am I talking about”? All I knos is that I just said something about Kimbo Slice.

Oh yeah… Wait. I lost it again. What ever. So I’ll start on something new. For starters, I’m in love with Jessica Canning. This woman has encapusulated my life. I love her more than there are words and I will continue to do so until the dawn of time. I just want to go ahead and put that out there. In case any of you didn’t know, she is moving into my aartment complext on the 15th of january. that’s like les than a month away. Now, I don’t live in Milner so if you ar wanting to hang out with her you might want to go ahead and book reservaitions.

I kinda lost my train of thought again. At this pint, I’m pretty passed out, but he, that’s what people….

Totally lost my train of thought. I should sleep nopw.