What’s now.

I was driving down the interstate to get a massage in the city this morning when I heard that familiar noise.  The same one that always gives my insides a little jolt when I hear it. No matter what I’m doing, it always makes me stop for a second and remember, and ache a bit, and smile.

To the left of me in the HOV lane there were two bikes. A guy on one, a woman on the other. It’s a beautiful almost Fall weekend and between the weather and the comforting sound that the bikes make I let myself for a moment pretend that the couple on the Harley’s was one I knew not too long ago (or so it seems…). A couple that was spending the weekend riding in the mountains or on their way to a bike show or heading up to Helen. A couple that had a dysfunctional balance in life and lived it to the fullest. They were loud and large and crazy and happy. I let them be that couple again, even if it was just for a minute and I soaked in every bit of peace it gave me. I promised myself to save some of that peace in a reserve tank for later use.

Had the daydream been real, and had that couple really been my parents…would I have appreciated it as much as I longed for it today? I got mad at myself once I realized the answer. Mad that I wait until my present becomes my past before I absorb it’s potential and appreciate what I have. I got disappointed that even if that daydream was today, I would still find frustrations with that couple and criticize the choices they made….and now here I am wishing that daydream was real so desperately. The couple on the Harley’s today helped me remember that I don’t want to wait until a year from now to appreciate what today gives me. To stop asking “what’s next?” and start focusing on what’s now.

What’s now is that we’re packing. Ben and Chase are up to 25 boxes (and I helped a tiny bit). Two weeks from today we’ll be in a house starting a new chapter. I’m so excited about it! What’s now is that I have a healthy, ever-growing relationship with a man who I love and respect. I have a beautiful son who has me in awe daily. What’s now is I have great friends, a best friend who at days is like oxygen to me, and family who will always be a work in progress. What’s now is I’m loved. I’m safe. I’m happy.  🙂