The Perks of Pregnancy

13 Weeks and chuggin’ along. Rubbing my belly and watching it grow as I eat nutritious, healthy foods and exercise daily. Picturing this miracle grow inside me that represents the love my husband and I share and imagining how perfect precious he or she will look…..

*bursts bubble*

And then reality hits. I grab a cheese danish, plop down on the couch in my pjs I’ve been in for two days, and watch another depressing episode of daytime television. Better drink water with this snack…makes it easier to come up later when the inevitable daily puke in the kitchen sink session starts. I’m sick daily. Yes, daily. Just barely out of my first trimester and I’m hoping it will ease up soon. Food will seem appealing again and walking upstairs to the computer doesn’t sound like a trek through the Sahara. Don’t even get me started with this weather in Ga. I’m ready to move to Main. Sounds magical, huh?

I don’t want to be cynical or a wimp or complain ALL the time. I think of women who try for years and year to get pregnant and would gladly take my symptoms with a smile on their face. The fact is, I just don’t do pregnancy well. At least not so far. So many times I feel like this is my first one. Which brings odd feelings…because it’s not. It’s just so different to have a 9 year old and think about a 9 day old an not feel overwhelmed. I was 19 when I got pregnant with Chase. When I picture myself at that age, or look at actual pictures of me in a hospital bed having a baby, I feel so, so sad for that kid who just had a kid. I had no idea what I was getting in to. Maybe that’s what makes this one different as well. I am no longer a naive little girl and I know exactly the strength it takes to not only carry and birth a baby, but to raise it without completely screwing up (verdict is still out on that one). It’s so….big. As I get older I look at my parents not just as parents but as adults and I understand more and more why I am the person I am now. I am a complete reflection of the people who raised me and the environment I was surrounded by. Knowing the sheer amount of influence you can have in another persons life without even trying is a huge amount of pressure. I’ve scathed by with a child who is polite, smart, listens, obeys, and loves deeply. How the hell I managed that…is beyond me. So what are the chances I can manage that luck again? It’s a lot. I spend a lot of my time lately worrying. It’s no news flash that I deal with anxiety, but being so out of control with this lil’ human in me has not helped. I worry about it daily. If it’s healthy and growing and getting what it needs from me. I worry about delivery; if I’ll end up having another c section and how the recovery will be this time. I worry about what in the world this body of mine is going to look like when I’m done incubating a toddler (my first was large, they say subsequent are even larger). I’m determined to breastfeed, so naturally I worry if I will be able to or even want to once the baby is here (I certainly didn’t feel the urge with my first). I worry how a baby will change my relationship with Chase; if he will be jealous or not as close to me. I worry about my relationship with Ben; how will he do as a dad to a newborn and how will it change things between the two of us. I didn’t have these worries with my first, because I simply didn’t know the difference. Now I know the facts: babies change everything. And I guess with my life being exactly where I want it….I’m worried about that inevitable change.

Here’s the possible upside of things. I’m pretty sure all this anxiety and worry is increased because of two things: I’m not working, and I’m not drinking. I’m out for the summer, which leaves long days of…well..not a whole lot. June was packed with vacation and bdays and beach trips, so that was nice. But July has been long, hot days. All of this free time lends itself to lots of free time for my brain. In addition, not drinking has been disconcertingly more difficult than it should be. When I first got pregnant I commented to Ben that he sure had been drinking a lot lately. (Beer with dinner, drink with a night time movie, etc). He looked puzzled. He was drinking the same frequency we always did, I guess I just noticed more. I slowly realized that in addition to being sick all the time, being sober all the time makes me not a hell of a lot of fun. It’s harder to relax at the end of the day, or any time of day really. It’s also really hard to deal with some of the people in my life sober. Other choices and issues in my life seem to become much more clear and instead of stumbling down a crazy path, I walk tall down the correct one.

So there’s my Sunday afternoon thoughts. 🙂 Fun, huh? Even after all the bitching and whining though, if I allow myself to stop, take a death breath, and yes…run my hands across this little bump of mine, I do still get a peace that life is exactly where I want it to be. I remind myself to work on my faith, to know that everything is fine now and will be fine when this peanut is here. To let go of a little bit of control I so desperately cling to. To thank my patient, amazing husband for putting up with my ass daily, and to JUST.RELAX.

“Decide what to be…and go be it” – The Avett Brothers

I now pronounce you…

The Turners!

It’s been three weeks and we are still going strong! Good sign, right?? What an amazing few weeks it’s been. We have an awesome concert and unforgettable honeymoon to blog about soon, but nothing can overshadow the big day. I knew just as much as I was forcing time to fly by, the wedding day and events would go by just as fast. I remember heading to the ceremony wishing I could press a pause button for a day or so. Everything was so perfectly beautiful. Thunderstorms moved the ceremony inside, but considering our number of guests I think it turned out more intimate and special anyway. All of our favorite people showed up to wish us well. A great friend of mine told me recently that “as soon as you say ‘I do’ everything will just calm down and make sense”.  She was so right. I am generally anxiety driven, and this honeymoon phase has me feeling calmer and more peaceful than ever. I see a path for our family, and for once I don’t feel like it’s a path I ‘should’ be on, but a path I want to be on. I will bookmark this post so 5 years from now I can remember how blissful we were….in the midst of bitching about his socks in the floor. Although, as my husband confirms, we are the exception….so maybe I’ll just come back to check the pics. 😉

Speaking of pics. They are shit. The woman who runs Le Bam got her husband to be the “photographer”. I get this will save her money, and I saw what he was shooting with so I figured “well…that camera will work for itself”. Wrong. SB emailed her about our dissatisfaction, and she claims they were “not ready to be released and needed more editing”. Ya think? Either way, there are a few keepers and enough to get a couple framed. Other than the pics and the DJ playing ALL hip hop songs, this wedding was my favorite so far! Now it’s time to just calm down, push through these last three weeks of school, and spend the summer with this amazing little family of mine that I am just sickeningly in love with. <3

A Sniper kind of love….

Our house has been floating in the clouds lately, and I’m soaking in every.single.bit of the joy I can. The stressful part of work is nearing an end. My students will finish testing next week and we can all breath a little easier and enjoy learning a bit more. 🙂 SB’s work is super busy right now, but he’s gotten a promotion and a raise and he really does seem to love what he does.  And he’s SO good at it. It makes me proud of him and motivates me to be more passionate about my job. Also, the wedding plans are pretty much complete! We are only five days away and everything on the to do list is done! We somehow managed to NOT go into debt at all, and I even got over my wardrobe….”snafu”. Everything about this process has been fun. Making favors and finding shoes and jewelry shopping and planning the honeymoon. Knowing that the plans we are making all lead up to a marriage to SB makes me just….well giddy. I generally like to avoid cliches at all costs, but I just don’t care anymore. I am so excited for this wedding, and even more excited for this marriage.  I love the extremely healthy place SB and I are at in our relationship, and I can’t wait to make promises I know we will both keep.  I have no illusions that this love of ours will always be this easy, but I also have no doubt that when it gets hard, and when sometimes shit just sucks, we will mend anything that tries to break us. I believe in us. <3

Did I mention a honeymoon? Yup. Vegas Baby! I have never been and SB is so ready to show me what Sin City has to offer! We have shows and restaurants and tours planned and I’m already wondering if we will need more memory cards for the camera.  I imagine we will have lots more posts in the near future sharing lots of fun and news that our marriage brings. Stay tuned!




And just like that…

Christmas is over! This time of year always seems to fly by so quickly. This has been the best holiday I’ve had in a few years…I had genuine holiday spirit! The house was crazy decorated, I shopped early, I listened to Christmas songs, and drove around looking for lights. Everyone was spoiled with presents and we got to spend some great time with family.

Speaking of family…I am SO proud of my side this year! I have silently proclaimed myself as the new matriarch of this family and hosted dinner/presents at our house this year. We had a delicious meal, talked nicely, opened gifts, and ate brownies. ALL without the first smart ass comment or sarcasm from ANYone.  Those who know us…know this was truly a Christmas miracle. I hope this is a sign of more peace and understanding to come with all of us.

Then, of course, there’s Santa! Chase woke up to everything he wanted and then some. I heard him wake up (way too early) and walk into the living room and whisper “Haaaaaaah!”. Then promptly walk his bare feet back to his room. A few minutes later he was in our bedroom talking about how Santa left a basketball goal and he ate his cookies and drank his milk.  I soaked up the excitement in his voice and listened to the quiet voice in my head that told me this may be our last “Santa” Christmas we get to have with him. It made me sad to know that my little boy is getting so big and will soon face the realities of the world, but I saved that for another day and ran into the living room to scope out the loot! Santa spoiled us, and SB did too.  He followed my Amazon wish list closely and I was thrilled.

Christmas lunch started at SB’s parent’s house.  As soon as we walked in we were greeted with hugs, presents, and the most delicious smell of a home cooked meal. Gah…I really do love these people! So different from my family, and appreciated more than I’m sure they know.  SB’s mom surprised me with a sewing machine and all the necessities that go along with it! I had forgotten I even threw one of those on my Azon wish list, but was so excited to see it! She’s going to be my sewing mentor, and I can’t wait to get a sewing table set up in the bonus room. Hand made presents galore this year!! Just as the last gift was opened, we got another surprise: a white Christmas!! The huge snowflakes were beautiful and the fact that it was Christmas just made it all the more magical. We ate amazing food (I mean really…Sandy showed out) while the snow fell and demanded took leftovers for dinner. Chase went to his dad’s to play in the snow, and SB and I came home to hibernate and rest. Deliciously beautiful holiday.

Sounds perfect huh? Well…not even 24 hours after Christmas and we grinched this place up. Tree: gone. Decorations: gone. Level 5 cleaning job in the house and we’re almost back to normal! As awesome as it was….it’s nice to have it all packed up and ready for next year also.

It’s been an awesome and interesting few weeks. I have a blog in the works about commitment and love and how in the real world – sometimes shit sucks. But until then…let’s revel in the Christmas hangover and the warm fuzzies that came along with this year’s holiday. OH! And Santa had another (large) surprise up his sleeve. He brought us a new addition. Our ‘graceful’ great dane. She deserves a post all on her own. It’ll be coming soon!

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I feel like I am on a journey. a spiritual, growing up, peace finding journey. Actually…once I realized this, it became clear that I’ve been on this journey for almost a year now. At times it seems crazy to think about how much life has changed in the past few years, but when I look at the changes I smile. I used to constantly fight with myself between doing what’s right…and doing what feels right.  I almost always did the latter even though I always knew better.  And I almost always felt the blow of consequences that followed. I was frequently frustrated…always confused with what I wanted. Now, for the first time ever, what I want is what’s right. What feels right…and what IS right…are very seldom two different things for me now. I can’t begin to describe to you the peace that has brought to my life.

When Ben and I met we were both extremely unbalanced people.  We were so wrong for each other and the timing couldn’t have been worse. About a year later…everything lined up. We went on a date. Started over. I wasn’t sure we would ever earn each others trust, and let me tell you it was NOT easy. But we did. We found trust, and balance, and priorities. We became a family and most importantly I learned how to put other people first. I was such a selfish person…and I’m learning how to love selflessly. I’m learning how to love the way people need to be loved. The rewards and the contentment and the….peace that comes from it is nothing like I can ever explain.

I don’t know where all of this has come from. Maybe from the awesome weekend that is ending. The weekend I so needed to relax, recharge my batteries (as Ben puts it), and reflect. School has started back and I feel the stress starting to build back up.  I don’t, however, feel that “thing” I used to feel. I used to have this little…ball of energy. Negative, confused energy. It bounced back and forth from side and side and never allowed me to just stop. and be content. and feel peace. This journey of mine has helped that crazy energy go away. I’ve finally said “this is what I want…and I am going to do what’s right to get it”. at times it was damn near impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel…and the number of people who are no longer in my life or who are no where near where they used to be in my life is huge. but the people who have embraced the change..or have at least acknowledged the change and remained patient, i am so so thankful for. no…i can’t do this by myself. yes…i do need help. this is just the beginning ….stay tuned. 🙂