In the pendulum of blogging, I’m ready for the upswing. I love that we document our crazy lives, and I honestly don’t post for anyone other than my 5 or 10 or 20 years older self. I can’t wait to look back and read and gain even more perspective or make fun of how silly we were.
I’m feeling immensely happy today. I blame it on the weather (mostly). It is officially Spring time! March is the busiest month of the year for teachers (especially ones with a kid in sports and another who’s 2), but that vitamin D is something else. I literally feel it filling me up and pouring back out in the form of annoying happiness and introspective blog posts.
I also think the key to it all is figuring out what my “big picture” looks like. I spent so much of my life trying to wipe away the (self inflicted) cobwebs and clutter so I could get a glimpse of what my big picture was. On an given day the picture looked different, so I became frustrated and fickle and my actions reflected that. I think the simple answer is maturity (coupled with making the wrong choices for so long and finally learning from mistakes. Is that the definition of maturity though??). I never knew what I wanted because choosing what I wanted meant deciding what I didn’t want. And I didn’t want to miss out on anything. I realized for me, it’s simple. I want to be happy. I want a family. I want a job that allows me to feel fulfilled while helping financially and not stealing all my time or taking over my life. I want the cliche suburban life; kids in activities and vacations to the beach. I want family dinners and big holiday meals and a best friend to share it all with.
The best part? I have it. I have that exact big picture. Here’s the fine print though. I am not happy every single day. Some days I’m miserable. Some days I’m tired and sore and broke and frustrated with the politics of my job and have zero patience for my children and nothing seems right or good or settled. But on these inevitable days, I always have my “big picture” looming over my shoulder. It’s become my role model. It’s my bully. It’s the responsible parent I never had. It’s the light at the end of my dark days that tells me not to run away or shut down. And my dark days are so few and far between now. That big picture has become a part of me and here’s the kicker. The more I honor it, the bigger and brighter it gets.
It doesn’t mean I do every single thing I want, but it means I do the things that I do, because I know what I want. It’s been a long time coming, and it feels amazing. Figure out your big picture, and fiercely follow it. You’ll see what I mean.