Is anyone every really ‘real’ on their blogs? I’m constantly jaded by social networking and observing people’s “lives” via the internet. The truth is, sometimes shit sucks. People rarely put that in their status updates. But I’ll save that rant for another post.
So let’s get real. I’ve been absent from the blog lately because school has me crazy. After school tutoring until 5 and Math Team and Talent Shows and Grad School and planning a wedding….there’s lots going on. Even in the midst of that I need want to blog more. To scrapbook my memories..to get thoughts out and spare my poor fiance a bit..to share what’s real.
Sometimes…I just get sad. I have a “cloudy” day and I just chalk it up to “one of those days”. Maybe it’s because I don’t handle hurt, disappointment, failure well. (Who does, right?). So I don’t deal with those gross things. I dig a trench, and bury them under. Maybe the bastards find a way to crawl out from under the dirt whenever they’d like and give me a week of struggles. Maybe I’m just a woman. Hormonal. Moody. High maintenance. Either way, I get en-capsuled in this shell. Joy and life and normalcy fly by and simply bounce off my shell. It is very. frustrating. It feels like I’m a prisoner and as hard as I try I just cannot get the damn thing to budge. Sleep though…sleep always feels better. All my stupid little shell needs is for me to be tired, or for me to fight with my mom, or for one forgotten check to clear…and it’s made of steel. Interestingly enough, I can wake up the next day…or in four days…and it’s gone. I am free.
Thankfully, I have SB on my side. Where that man gets all his patience…I will never understand. He also struggles with his own ‘clouds’, and maybe that’s why he’s so good at noticing mine. When I smile and fake it, he always knows that deep down I’m struggling. I’m learning that maybe I can be in control of the things that make me feel so…out of control. SB has a way of not breaking my shell for me, but pushing me towards opportunities and reasons to break myself free on my own. Sunday morning I just.wanted.to.sleep. All day. Curtains drawn. TV low. I craved it. “Let’s go climb a mountain..” he said. *Vomit* is what I thought. That is the LAST thing I wanted to do. But I did it. I watched behind my Kardashian sunglasses as my son played ‘lava’ with SB. As dads with babies on their backs and young couples with dogs all made the trek to the top. The view is always great and the fresh air was intoxicating. By the time we got to the bottom, my shell had some pretty substantial holes in it. Maybe I am in control of this damn thing after all….
I want to post this and these pictures to remember that sometimes, things just suck. Parents die and friends disappear and humans disappoint you. It’s okay to be sad. It’s also okay to move on from that sadness….One mountain at a time.