So let’s get real. I’ve been absent from the blog lately because school has me crazy. After school tutoring until 5 and Math Team and Talent Shows and Grad School and planning a wedding….there’s lots going on.  Even in the midst of that I need want to blog more. To scrapbook my memories..to get thoughts out and spare my poor fiance a bit..to share what’s real.

Sometimes…I just get sad. I have a “cloudy” day and I just chalk it up to “one of those days”.  Maybe it’s because I don’t handle hurt, disappointment, failure well. (Who does, right?). So I don’t deal with those gross things.  I dig a trench, and bury them under. Maybe the bastards find a way to crawl out from under the dirt whenever they’d like and give me a week of struggles.  Maybe I’m just a woman. Hormonal. Moody. High maintenance. Either way, I get en-capsuled in this shell. Joy and life and normalcy fly by and simply bounce off my shell.  It is very. frustrating. It feels like I’m a prisoner and as hard as I try I just cannot get the damn thing to budge.  Sleep though…sleep always feels better. All my stupid little shell needs is for me to be tired, or for me to fight with my mom, or for one forgotten check to clear…and it’s made of steel. Interestingly enough, I can wake up the next day…or in four days…and it’s gone. I am free.

Thankfully, I have SB on my side.  Where that man gets all his patience…I will never understand.  He also struggles with his own ‘clouds’, and maybe that’s why he’s so good at noticing mine.  When I smile and fake it, he always knows that deep down I’m struggling.  I’m learning that maybe I can be in control of the things that make me feel so…out of control.  SB has a way of not breaking my shell for me, but pushing me towards opportunities and reasons to break myself free on my own. Sunday morning I just.wanted.to.sleep. All day. Curtains drawn. TV low. I craved it. “Let’s go climb a mountain..” he said. *Vomit* is what I thought. That is the LAST thing I wanted to do. But I did it. I watched behind my Kardashian sunglasses as my son played ‘lava’ with SB. As dads with babies on their backs and young couples with dogs all made the trek to the top. The view is always great and the fresh air was intoxicating. By the time we got to the bottom, my shell had some pretty substantial holes in it. Maybe I am in control of this damn thing after all….

I want to post this and these pictures to remember that sometimes, things just suck. Parents die and friends disappear and humans disappoint you. It’s okay to be sad. It’s also okay to move on from that sadness….One mountain at a time.

So Ben and I got invited to go rock climbing this past Friday. It sounds like something to do with good friends to get us out of the house so we decide to give it a try. The week rolls by and before I know it I’m driving home tired, hungry, and dirty. (Dirty b/c I didn’t take a shower that morning b/c I stayed up too late b/c I can NOT put down my new book series…but anyway). So needless to say I was not overly excited about our new adventure. We get to the place though and let me tell you…it’s really awesome! It’s called Stone Summit and I’m immediately intimidated as soon as I walk in the door. There are pros here and 5 year old’s that make me feel completely incompetent. So we walk up to the counter.

Jess: “Um…yeah..so we wanna climb?”

ClimberDude: “Ok…reservation or belay test?”

Jess: “Um…no, and…what?”

ClimberDude: “Do you need a belay test?”

Jess: “Hmm..I have no idea. What is that?”

Ben: “It’s the person who stands on the ground and holds the rope for the climber…”

Jess: “Oh. Um. No.”

Yeah, I’m the last person who needs to be responsible for holding someone up on that rope. I get my gear and shoes, and Bob shows me how to put it all on. It makes me feel even more out of place and awkward but it makes SB’s package look nice…so I comply. Maybe it was my hesitation…or it could’ve been me telling Kit that I’m not even sure I’m getting up ON that wall…but we head to the “training/kid/n00b” area. James shows me how to tie the right knots and gives me enough info to get started. I start to climb and I literally.petrified. The only option I have is to keep going up b/c down is not possible. (Mind you, I’m only about, eh, 5 feet in the air). BUT…I make it to the top. Letting go was the hardest. I kept telling James “you don’t know how heavy I am! Please don’t drop me”, but he lowers me down nice and easy and I’m immediately proud of myself and have a huge sense of release. We practice a few more times then head down with the big boys.  These guys were hanging from places in the wall that had me in awe. The muscle strength and balance and physics that it takes to rock climb is unbelievable. Kit, James and Bob are awesome. We all took turns and helped each other out and by the end of the night I was tired, blistered, and sore…but I felt great. It’s definitely a hobby I want to keep up! Eventually…I may even get up the guts to belay someone. Anyone want to be my first climber??!!

When Ben and I met we were both extremely unbalanced people.  We were so wrong for each other and the timing couldn’t have been worse. About a year later…everything lined up. We went on a date. Started over. I wasn’t sure we would ever earn each others trust, and let me tell you it was NOT easy. But we did. We found trust, and balance, and priorities. We became a family and most importantly I learned how to put other people first. I was such a selfish person…and I’m learning how to love selflessly. I’m learning how to love the way people need to be loved. The rewards and the contentment and the….peace that comes from it is nothing like I can ever explain.

I don’t know where all of this has come from. Maybe from the awesome weekend that is ending. The weekend I so needed to relax, recharge my batteries (as Ben puts it), and reflect. School has started back and I feel the stress starting to build back up.  I don’t, however, feel that “thing” I used to feel. I used to have this little…ball of energy. Negative, confused energy. It bounced back and forth from side and side and never allowed me to just stop. and be content. and feel peace. This journey of mine has helped that crazy energy go away. I’ve finally said “this is what I want…and I am going to do what’s right to get it”. at times it was damn near impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel…and the number of people who are no longer in my life or who are no where near where they used to be in my life is huge. but the people who have embraced the change..or have at least acknowledged the change and remained patient, i am so so thankful for. no…i can’t do this by myself. yes…i do need help. this is just the beginning ….stay tuned.

Perfect Sunset

It all started with an email I received on Tuesday Apr 6th.
Jess:
while I was walking around monitoring my kids…i came up with the BEST idea.

I know it’s going to be a long week for both of us, so I want us to have something to look forward to….so do me a favor? keep your plans for Friday night free. the whole night. I got a lil something up my sleeve.

We both knew that Friday didn’t really have any thing going on, and Jess could sense that I was feeling a bit of the gloom monster. So she cooked up this crazy idea. She wouldn’t tell me, but she did send me several hints though out the week. Actually, they were “sniperhints”.

Tue, Apr 6, 2010 at 10:49 AM

Plans are in the works…there’s so much to do,
our date is gonna rock; I can’t wait for the view!

Tue, Apr 6, 2010 at 12:59 PM

Timing is crucial, I cannot tell a lie,
5:30 is the time to be ready by!

Tue, Apr 6, 2010 at 1:50 PM

These details are getting much harder to hide…
wouldn’t you love it if our date was outside??

Wed, Apr 7, 2010 at 7:58 AM

Thanks for an awesome start to the day,
and our secret date is only two days away!

Thu, Apr 8, 2010 at 10:47 AM

There’s one thing I’m confident to bet…
alcohol on Friday you’ll probably regret!

Thu, Apr 8, 2010 at 12:55 PM

One last thing, to prevent the blues,
wear comfy clothes, especially your shoes!

Fri, Apr 9, 2010 at 10:44 AM

There isn’t a lot that’s left to be said…
in the bag please put the blanket that’s red

By this time I was super intrigued as to what she had planned. My initial thoughts were of Stone Mountain, but then it kinda swayed from that. While getting ready for the date on Friday night, I put on my shorts, a t-shirt, and my shoes. She said that I should probably wear something a bit more exercisey. So I switched over to my running shorts and shirt. This threw me off even more. I was thinking that maybe some sort of bootcamp or race or something.

As it turns out, it was a hike up Stone Mountain, followed by a light dinner while watching the sun set, then a hike back down. I was STOKED when I found out. I had only ever been up there once and that was this past winter. Back then it was way too cold and we had Chase so staying up past sunset was ill advised. This time however, the weather was perfect and we got to watch the whole thing.

It was a great experience. We found a cozy spot, sat out our food, enjoyed the chatter of other people around us, shared some good laughs, etc. It was just a great date. One that I won’t soon forget (or hopefully ever).

After the sun set, we decided to start heading back down. However, either the uber Gatorade or the crisp air or something made us decide that it would be a good idea to run down and see how fast we could go. It was actually a ton of fun. I had a backpack so it was a bit wonky for me, but we zoomed along, jumping from rock to rock, darting here and there between the trees and slow people. Of course we had to stop and/or slow down every now and then, but for the most part it was rush running down the side of a mountain. I can’t wait to go back and do it again.

So that was that. A date that didn’t involve excessive quantities of drinking or dancing or being up until the ass crack of dawn. No exuberant  amount of money was spent on a dinner and waiter. It was simply two people enjoying the company of the other person and a huge piece of granite. I’m eager to hike back up and improve the pace on both the up and down. I love Jess for coming up with the perfect date. I will certainly have my work cut out for me to top this one.

For anyone that cares to join us, we have a parking season pass so we’ll be going back quite often.

Reading that you’d think it’s just been easy peasy and like butter and/or cake. Well, that’s not all the facts. Jess and/or Chase have this never ending cold that has crippled 2/3 of the Sniper clan. Undoubtedly it’s from all the kids runnin’ round the school of hers touching things, rubbing their snotty noses all over the place, coughing, hacking, spreading germs and such. So she’s been under the weather for the better part of 2010, but that hasn’t stopped her. She’s a trooper and has been pressing on. She’s unpacked boxes, moved furniture, organized books and the kitchen, done about 1 bajillion loads of laundry and dishes. This woman has pushed threw the sick and got this place feeling like home. I love her more than she probably realizes. I mean, I was in a house for seven years, and it never felt this close to a home.

In addition to all the unpacking and getting settled in, we’ve still managed to have some fun. Last weekend was our fist “date night” of 2010. Dinner, dancing, drinking, peeing in a parking lot, busted hands, laughing, all the things that make up a good night. We’ve got into a groove during the week of shows to watch and dinners to cook and all the stuff that families do. It didn’t take us long to figure these things out, because we worked together. Heck, I’ve even started watching Vampire Diaries and a little bit of Grey’s Anatomy. Jess watched one episode of Heroes and was lost, but that’s to be expected with that show. Speaking of LOST, we jumped right back into that. It was no big throw-down premier party, but it was a lot of fun. The show is amazing and I can’t wait to watch every episode with Jess, and explaining time travel all over again.

Other than that it’s been fairly normal for The Snipers. The weather has kept most outdoor activities at bay, but I have a feeling that’ll change soon. I went back to kick-boxing this week and am eager to continue doing so. We are both signed up for a 10k in March that we’re not actually going to do, because we’re in no condition to run 6 miles. We do have big plans for our health and fitness though. We’re slowly moving into a healthier lifestyle, cutting things out here and there. Making better decisions and such. I can honestly say that aside from the plague of doom that appears to be attracted to Jess, we are feeling a lot better, both mentally, and physically than we were back in December.

So that’s that. I’m going to try and get some pics of the place and post them up. Not just to show the place off, but to see how it changes over time and we live here and continue to grow and add more and more memories to it. Oh, and our doors are always open for people to come by. It doesn’t take a passport and a treasure map to find us, a phone call should suffice.

Stay tuned for more!